WRITING: Accepting

At the point of me breaking down, feeling all alone and helpless, I realized, I am blessed with strong ladies surrounding me who are so dear to me and being tested with so many things and yet managed to pull through. One of them is my dear friend who just lost her child at the 11th hour of pregnancy.

In my humble opinion, this friend of mine is nothing but strong! Being a mom has never comes with a manual with it. I, myself went through three pregnancy mode and Alhamdullillah, everything went well with not much complications despites of me having a bad all-day sickness throughout all three semesters for all three pregnancies.

Having ‘something’ in your womb is nothing anyone could describe it exactly words by words, and therefore, to have the opportunity to carry a soul in your very own womb is nothing but a blessing miracle.

I’ve known few strong mommies who had difficulties during their pregnancies; getting pregnant itself is a complication, making sure the cells that become one beats healthily is another qualms, let it grow safely without ‘disturbing’ us is a challenge and welcoming the little mass securely to this physical world is always full of anticipations.

For whatever, we would want the soul to come out safe and sound, ten fingers and ten toes and all well.

But we are only human, the creature that Allah created with its purposes and all well written and well planned for. And from Him we came from and back to Him we shall go to.

Some of us are lucky to have been able to see the little soul who was just a heartbeat, grow up fine and grace right in front of our eyes.

Some was lucky enough to get the chance to bond for a short while before the soul was taken back to The AlMighty.

This friend of mine, lost a soul on her fifth month of the pregnancy and we were sad for her. But that was nearly a year or two ago.  When we found out that she got back on her own feet and was blessed for the fourth pregnancy, we were ecstatic. She was due anytime when we met up with her (at times the picture was taken). Who could have thought the what would happened next. We got a message from her that she has lost her child that she carried for nine month and was due ‘soon’. The soon came not as we’ve expected. The baby was healthy, and until today, I don’t have the heart to ask her what really had happened… I am still mourning for her, and I knew, in her smile, in her laugh, in her words, she is still missing her baby Jayden.


“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you, and perhaps you love a thing
and it is bad for you; and Allah knows while you know not.  
{Al-Quran 2:216}

Rest assured, you never lost that child – I know, you know, we know. How blessed are you, having not one but two of your own flesh and blood waiting for you up in the Heaven, InsyaAllah.

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WRITING: Priority?

I saw a struggling mom updating her FB status on weekends, had to leave  her only child with the babysitter as she and her husband had to complete some task prior to Monday big event at the office.

And for that instance, I am blessed for the ‘nikmat masa’ that Allah gives me that I am able to spend plenty of time with my husband and children for I was not working[1].  I wish every mother could have this life. A flexible life of no 9-to-5 working shift for five days in a week. It’s a luxury!

On the other side of the coin, I do understand, that is not an easy decision to make. Living in the world today, some mommies are left to no option than to work. No matter how much they wish they could just spend more time on the family, the world seems not to agree with them. I’m sorry for them. I know how badly they wanted to just not work and be able to send and pick up their children to and from school.  Some may wish to get more involved with the volunteering and charity works. Some would just want to bake and cook and try lots of new food. Some would just love to decorate the room, the stairs and so forth. Some would just wanted to write book. Summing-up, how wonderful life could be if mommies do not have to work and do what ever they want to do.

Nevertheless, we knew mommies who were scared of letting go their career life. They are 15% on making their way to pinnacle. They have been working all their hard since they were in the university, earned a reputable degree, went through the hardship climbing the career ladder and they are just a distant away to reach the peak. They are not letting go. Some may be able to balance their work and family life. Some would be struggling. Some would just ignore it.

This is when we, mommies, should know where to put our priorities right. If we think, sending our little baby at the babysitter’s home on weekend so that we could complete the assignment that the boss is expecting on the following week, ask ourselves, have we put our priority right?

Yup, it ain’t easy. After all, in Islam, we are not responsible for our children as it should be the father’s role and responsibility. Let’s hold the topic of roles and responsibility between a father and a mother for a while. Don’t put any religious opinion in it, though we must acknowledge Islam is the way of life, hence we can’t put anything aside in making any decision. But I just wanted to know, mommies with ambitions, what stopping you from outing your ambition to your own flesh and blood? How much do you need to earn so that you could take a time off to spend a peaceful weekend with your little one? Will it be for a month, a year or a lifetime?

I talked too much. I’m very biased in giving my opinion about working and not working and I’m sorry. I’m not against any working mom. But I wanted all mommies to know, working or not working, we just have to place our priority rightly. We just have to know what’s important and what’s less important. In my strong-headed opinion, nothing is more important than your family. I beg to differ. Allah is the most important in life, and when we put Him as our number one, we know, as a wife, we are oblige to our husband. Yes, some husband support the wife to be successful in the career..but I’m sure, most husband would prefer their wife to put the family first in the list, than work.

Or maybe I’m wrong.

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[1] I do have issues defining not working… Perhaps in my next chapter of the write-ups.

WRITING: ReMISSION

I cried yesterday. I cried while waiting for the dinner to be served on our table in our nice cozy neighbourhood mamak’s place. I cried when I wanted to place our order for dinner and the waiter gave me an empty look, still waiting for my order. I snapped. Not to the waiter though, but to the boys. I asked them to place the order, instead. And they were so obedient following to my instructions, placing their orders and asked me politely what was it that I wanted to have for dinner. I snapped. And I shouldn’t. I snapped because I could hear myself so loud and clear, yet the waiter did not give any respond. I snapped and I blame the boys, and I shouldn’t.

The oncologists label it as remission. Google Dictionary defines it as (1) the cancellation of a debt, charge or penalty; (2) a diminution of the seriousness or intensity of disease or pain; a temporary recovery; or (3) forgiveness of sins. Boots WebMD (webmd.boots.com) defines it as a word doctors often use when talking about cancer. It means that after cancer treatment, there are no signs of the cancer. Complete remission means that tests, physical exams and scans show that all the signs of the cancer one had are gone.  I called it another fancy name for type of sickness after cancer treatment, and it’s no fun and the ending is always ambiguous. I’ve asked my onco, when will ‘this’ last? He gave me a blank look and told me ‘it depends! Some people were okay after seven to ten years, some took longer and some lucky one could fully recover after five years. It depends. But as long as the cancer is inactive, you’ll be okay.’ And apparently, I somehow find out later in life that I got conned by the meaning of remission. Of course, I am thankful for the treatment went well and after eight cycles of chemo and thirty-three cycles of tomography, I was cancer-free. Alhamdullillah.  And until today, I knew it deep inside myself, being diagnosed of getting nasopharyngeal cancer[1] stage III has always been a blessed to me, no doubt. I’ll talk about it a little later.

Chemo was bad.  Pairing it with radiotherapy made it worst. The experiences were unbearable and it will always make me lost for words when the need to describe the pain rose. It’s indescribable. To some extent, I remember saying no matter how much I hate a person for doing something evil and bad to others, I won’t pray for that person to go through that chemo-radio experience like I did. It’s not fair to any human kind.

And I thought chemo was horrible. Until I met the monster remission. Remission is supposed to be a ‘good’ word. It brings hope and energy… mentally. Going through it was another story.

It is my third going to the fourth year of remission at times me writing this down. And as much as I wanted to believe that it would get better in times, it keeps on giving me false hopes. In the end, the best solution is to wait and see. After all, I am still here, typing this out word by word while some cancer patients are struggling to survive and some has even departed.

I got a nudge for High Above. I am definitely thankful for the given chance. Imagine if I didn’t make it and leave the world.. truth was.. I was a great sinner… am not saying that I’m such a holy now, but, the least I was given another chance to repent and to prepare for the eternity life. Alhamdullilah. How can I not be thankful?

And being thankful, I shouldn’t complain. And I am not complaining. It’s just that, once a while, when the fluids from ears were overflowing and I couldn’t bear the sticky fluid coming out from my ears, I cried. And sometimes, when the constant buzzing in my ears decided to amplify itself and made both of my ears blocked badly and I could literally hear myself breathing, I cried. And sometimes, when I thought I was screaming calling my kids’ names and they were just doing whatever ignoring my call because the call was not even a call as there could any sound reaching out to their ears, I cried. Sometimes, when I was just so tired for not doing anything and all I had to do to recover was sleep hours and hours and hours on the bed and I could even had the guts to get some food into my stomach, I cried. And sometimes, when I could hardly feel anything on both my feet and my hands and my nerves were numb and to some extent I had some blood flowing on my fingers from the knife’s cut and I didn’t feel it at the time of the incident, I cried.

Once a while, I cry. Once a while, I wonder, how long will these last? Once a while, I wish things would go back to normal….  And for now, I’m settling for this being the new normal.

At times me writing this, I was reminded of Kak Nani and Hani. Two strong ladies who had their chemo complete, did the surgery to remove the damaged organs and standing strong until today. Kak Nani has been in remission for more than a decade and Hani is in her second year. I remembered asking Kak Nani, ‘How long will this lasts? When will we get our ‘normal’ life.’ And her answer, ‘I’m still waiting’ just deserved one good strong long hug, both her and myself need that comforting hug. Then, Hani came and asked me few months back, ‘When will this last? When will we be strong like we used to be?’. And dear buddy, I’m still waiting. We were never a survivor. We are surviving, till it lasts. For the time being, we just have to adapt with our new normal



[1] Nasopharyngeal cancer is a rare type of head and neck cancer. It starts in the upper part of your throat, behind the nose. This area is called the nasopharynx. The nasopharynx is precariously placed at the base of your skull, above the roof of your mouth. Your nostrils open into the nasopharynx. (source: http://www.google.com)

POEM: My Reality

my reality

as strong as i could be,

that’s what i’d portray to everybody,

for let it be flurry and blurry,

all burden i have to carry,

while others seem to be in hurry,

or maybe they opt not to worry,

far apart to feel sorry,

so, let it be.

this mountain will see,

my faith and strength are within me,

and that is enough to climb these acclivity,

all by myself i shall rally,

to the peak is my only destiny,

with my hands and knee,

yes, that is what defines inevitably

no doubt, definitely!

– says ع-

POEM: Nap-mares

yes, nap-mares are real,

the pictures are actual,

the actors are veridical,

the plots are phenomenal,

the aftermath are justifiable,

yes, they leave marks surreal.

it was just a quick nap,

filling the gap,

while waiting for the chap,

it came in a snap,

and you felt sudden slap,

like a thunder zap.

all whites surrounding me,

uplifting my own decree,

from afar i heard sweet hymn melody,

came rushing with the tsunami sea,

and saw a red-heels-long-legged lady,

waving and spinning holding onto the scary destiny.

i was awake with sudden pang,

cried like i was attacked by a boomerang,

and wonder will the nap-mare continue,

becoming my nightmare’s chain.

⁃ says ع –

POEM: Funny ME

Funny me!

I’m not funny, I wish I am, but I am not;

I bored others with my sob stories,

I killed everything with my boring facts,

I deafened the universe with my factual truth,

Oh, I’m just not funny.

I’m not funny, I wish I am, but I am not;

I want to be popular so that I would be heard,

I want to be the favourite so that I would be loved,

I want to be the viralled so that I would be followed,

But I’m just not funny.

I’m not funny, I wish I am, but I am not;

I wish I’d learned the art of prank,

I’ll then can make fun on others;

I wish I’d picked up the use of silly words,

I’ll then can make a fool out of myself;

I wish I’d known the trick to fabricate fact,

I’ll then can be the guru of memes;

Well, I’m just not funny.

Who am I kidding?

Is it me or them?

Whom do I want to please?

Is it my heart or the world?

What do I look for?

Is it the fame or just joining the game?

Nope, I’m not funny,

I can’t even rhyme because it’s just not valid.

I guess I should accept me,

just not funny,

at all.

– says ع-